Infertility. 🍍

Infertility is hard. As a woman you feel like something has been stolen from you. Your body has failed you from what it’s meant to do. The life you’ve pictured since you were a little girl seems to have been pulled right out from underneath you. At least for me, this is what it’s felt like. For the last 5 years I have yet to sustain a healthy pregnancy. Loss after loss I kept more and more to myself. I didn’t reach out for help when I desperately needed it. I was hiding everything behind a smile and my famous, “I’ll be fine.” But I wasn’t fine. I’m not “fine.” I’m struggling. I’ve seen several doctors over the past 5 years that have yet to figure out why my body has not been able to carry a baby. As awful as it sounds I’ve lost count on how many losses I’ve had. Each loss I detached more and more and haven’t allowed myself to get “attached.” See, I do that a lot. Detach myself from anything that could potentially hurt me. Instead of feeling all my feelings I internalize everything and don’t truly feel them. This is something I’m working on. I’m working on allowing people to be there for me more and not do everything alone. It’s extremely uncomfortable for me. Sharing this part of me is extremely uncomfortable. But my goal is that any woman going through this shitty part of life can feel less alone. My most recent OBGYN has been the most helpful in my journey. She was the first doctor that wanted to truly help me. She said we were going to figure this out. I was hopeful because she was so confident. Test after test, medication after medication, injection after injection.. nothing was working. My last appointment she seemed less confident she could figure “this” out. She mentioned IVF and a referral to a fertility specialist. I wanted to puke. I sat in that room fighting back tears with so many thoughts going through my head. The cost, time, dedication, mental toll it would take on me. The fact that no matter how much you spend, it’s not guaranteed. I told her I would think about it and we scheduled my next appointment 3 months out. I spoke with a couple of my close friends… going back and forth if this is where I quit. My friend Sara said to me.. “when you’re 50, is this something you will regret not trying?” I let that question marinate for a few days and it hit me. I will 100% regret not trying at least once. I’m still not sure how I’m going to do it or the judgement I’ll get doing this alone but I’m ready to go ALL in. So I scheduled my consultation with an IVF clinic for mid May and although I’m scared as hell.. I’m excited. Holding on to hope. This is MY journey and MY life and I have to be the one happy with it. So if you’re on the journey solo as well, cheers to you girl. You’re a badass.